on being laid off

It's interesting how much I want to exercise and stop eating. For the most part I've been able to put it out of my head, but the need to restrict is just RIGHT there, gnawing at me under the thin layer of skin I've grown over the past year. It's like a scab, but instead of picking at it from the surface, my need is picking at it from underneath. The hamster is still in it's cage, but it's running in it's wheel 24 hours a day now. I keep hoping that he will drop dead, but he hasn't yet. He seems to have simply improved his cardiovascular endurance.

It's clear that this will never go away. It's a part of me in a way that I didn't understand before now. I guess it is a good thing that I know this now. I can stop fighting it. Maybe I'll finally be able to accept myself now. It's a little ironic. Maybe all I ever needed to do was just stop trying so hard. I should be nice and thin for my trip to Mexico, which will be nice. Maybe I'll finally be able to acknowledge it too...I probably shouldn't hope for much.