I'm not really sure....

I have no idea why I'm even posting today. I haven't had anything to say in weeks. I'm completely caught up in my own self-defeating thought processes and have no reason to even try to articulate my feelings in actual words. Maybe I'll just resort to making a list of the things that have happened that may or may not mean something.

1. I started looking for a new job.
2. I got nothing but negative responses to my resume because, as I expected, I'm not qualified to do anything but what I'm doing now.
3. I'm still not a very good friend.
4. I still think I'm so fat that I shouldn't be allowed in the general public.
5. I'm still scared shitless to actually write anything that means something.
6. I got drunk and made an ass of myself.
7. I'm still not special in any way and I still can't bring myself to accept it.
8. I need to trim my bangs.
9. My ex-best friend that broke my heart into a million pieces wants to be my friend again and I'm not stopping her.
10. I'm running now instead of doing fourteen different workouts...this week.

So - that's about it. This list makes me very depressed. I shouldn't have written it. I should never write anything again. I don't know why I can't just articulate my fucking feelings. My husband says I'm hiding from my feelings by trying to articulate them all the time, but he doesn't understand. I think the only thing I'm capable of is articulating things. If I can't communicate, I have nothing. It's literally the only thing I'm good at, but sadly I'm never good enough. Everything I do is to try to connect and communicate with other people on a level that always seems to elude me. The only time I've ever really felt the connection that I'm looking for is when people eat something I've made and I can see it, in that moment, that I've reached them. We're sharing something really special in that moment, something that transcends the base reality of the situation. I think that's what I'm not able to do with my writing and it's such an important part of who I am that I can't bear to try and fail. Essentially, at my core, I'm scared that if I have to give up the dream or the ideal that I can reach people on a deeper level, I will fade away and become a ghost.

Sometimes I think it might be better just to give in to my urges and just write everything I know. Everything, all the time. Maybe I would see myself better that way. Maybe I would be able to finally accept that I either AM capable of achieving what I want to , or that I am not. Maybe I'll be better off if I just let it go. I feel like so much of who I am is wrapped up in the effects of the bad things that have happened in my life that I have no chance to be anyone else. I'm obsessed with self-improvement, yet unable to fully embrace it because I don't want to let go of the past. My honesty and openness has trapped me. I have learned to be "myself" through painful exploration and confession, but now what? Do those confessions have to keep being true, even if I'm moving on? How do you move on from something that stays with you all the time? Is self-acceptance really the answer? How often does it have to happen? Can self-acceptance and insecurity co-exist? What happens when the people who have created and fostered your insecurities over the years don't change? Is maintaining a relationship with those people irresponsible? Is responsibility overrated?

Uggh. I'm so fucking confused.

I'm at it again...

So the only news I have to write about is not so good.

On the one hand, I've decided to give up being a vegetarian. Not that I won't eat veggie dishes, just that if I want a freakin chicken sandy I'm gonna have one. I really thought it was going to be a lot harder to go back to eating meat, but NOPE. No stomach aches, no headaches, not even any guilt. I guess the fact that I'm willing to admit that being a vegetarian for me was really a symptom of my anorexia is a good sign. I don't think that every vegetarian has an eating disorder, but I certainly do. This is not the bad news by the way...

The bad news is that I'm counting again. All the time. I'm even writing it down. I can't quite figure out why, but I think it might have something to do with the fact that we're going to Cancun in a few months, but it's probably more to do with the fact that I'm scared shitless about leaving my job. I'm not really scared to leave as much as I'm scared that the problem isn't the jobs...it's me. Of course that's a complete rationalization and I'm totally full of it as usual. I also really want to do something great, and I'm afraid I'll never have the balls to do it. I feel pathetic, useless and totally undeserving of the great life that I already have.

I guess that's why I'm counting again. I can focus on staying below the line and feel a sense of accomplishment. Unfortunately, it's never enough. It doesn't solve my problems. Right now I can't help it. If I don't do it, I won't have anything to give anyone. I feel like I'm letting everyone down all the time and there is nothing I can do about it. How can I give people what they want if I don't have anything for myself?