I'm at it again...

So the only news I have to write about is not so good.

On the one hand, I've decided to give up being a vegetarian. Not that I won't eat veggie dishes, just that if I want a freakin chicken sandy I'm gonna have one. I really thought it was going to be a lot harder to go back to eating meat, but NOPE. No stomach aches, no headaches, not even any guilt. I guess the fact that I'm willing to admit that being a vegetarian for me was really a symptom of my anorexia is a good sign. I don't think that every vegetarian has an eating disorder, but I certainly do. This is not the bad news by the way...

The bad news is that I'm counting again. All the time. I'm even writing it down. I can't quite figure out why, but I think it might have something to do with the fact that we're going to Cancun in a few months, but it's probably more to do with the fact that I'm scared shitless about leaving my job. I'm not really scared to leave as much as I'm scared that the problem isn't the jobs...it's me. Of course that's a complete rationalization and I'm totally full of it as usual. I also really want to do something great, and I'm afraid I'll never have the balls to do it. I feel pathetic, useless and totally undeserving of the great life that I already have.

I guess that's why I'm counting again. I can focus on staying below the line and feel a sense of accomplishment. Unfortunately, it's never enough. It doesn't solve my problems. Right now I can't help it. If I don't do it, I won't have anything to give anyone. I feel like I'm letting everyone down all the time and there is nothing I can do about it. How can I give people what they want if I don't have anything for myself?