rainy days and mondays

I feel empty today. This is not so terribly different from any other day, but usually the empty makes me feel sorry for things that aren't my fault, or it causes me to try to fill it with something.

Today my emptiness is causing everything around me to resonate really loud inside. Even the sound of voices is echoing loud in my head and making it hurt. The rain woke me up last night and usually it soothes me back to sleep, but not this time. Something is off. Something is wrong. I'm either getting a migraine or I'm getting ready to figure something out. The last time I felt this way, it was right before I found out that everyone in my family had been lying to me for years.

If I told my husband all of this, he would say that I am just trying to rationalize away what I know to be true: that I should quit my job because I hate it. While I have no affection for my work, I don't actually know that I should quit. My husband is sure that I should quit because he's tired of me having a reason to be irritated. He thinks that if I can simply eliminate all of the negative things in my life, then I can focus instead on doing things that will make us happy. That might be true, I suppose. He's trying to be supportive. He knows that I wish I was talented and that I wish that I could produce something really great. He loves me, so he thinks I should really try. He doesn't understand that I don't really have what it takes and that the emotional investment I would have to make in order to produce something with merit could destroy the brief and fragile sanity that I am clinging to these days.

He really does love me so much. He says I'm too hard on myself and that he actually does understand what I'm going through. I think he may have some insight into what is going on with me, but at the same time it is so difficult for me to believe that anyone could love me if they really knew me. I feel like there is a deep chasm inside me and I am afraid that if I let the people I care about get too close, they will fall in and be lost to me forever. I don't know why I feel like I have that kind of power. Maybe it's all that untapped potential my Dad used to tell me I was wasting. Maybe I am just rambling. It's a good thing no one is reading this.