New project

So in an effort to attempt to cleanse myself of all my negative energy - I'm going to write down all the terrible things I think about myself in a little red notebook and then tear the pages out and throw them away - or possibly light them on fire.  The idea is to see how long it takes me to get through the notebook.  There are 70 pages, college ruled.  I have a feeling that if I force myself to fill every page, front and back that it should take me about two weeks.  

I have tried to use this blog as a way to do this, but I don't think therapeutic blogging is really for me - after all I can't even bring myself to post my name or tell anyone I know the name of the site.   It's actually kind of pathetic.  I tell people I have a blog and then tell them it's anonymous so that they will search for it.  If I wasn't such an ardent self-loather I would call myself a narcissist.  Sadly, I don't think anyone actually wants to read what I write.  I think it's because I'm completely self-deprecating at all times and probably seem so utterly ridiculous that people think I couldn't possibly have anything to say.  I'm ridiculous.

I'm not sure whether the notebook is a good idea or a really really bad one.  I guess we'll see.  I just don't want to feel like I need to wear a caftan to the lake and/or start starving myself again.   I am already kind of starving myself - that doesn't even make any sense.  Starving yourself HAS to be all or nothing, you can't "kind of" starve.  I guess I could more accurately say that I'm thinking a lot about starving myself.  I am getting to the point that I'm pretty sure it would help.  I think if I could get all this negative out, then I might not feel so full all the time.  I might feel hungry for things that will actually sustain me instead of consuming me.  I hope this new idea won't cause me to consume myself even faster.  I suppose if I can't feel good about how I look in a bikini, at least everyone else can enjoy it.